The Chaos of Life and the Music of Suicide

Hi, my name is Paul. This is my first blog here and I’m kind of messed up. (Hi, Paul.) Since I finished my first Master’s degree in 1985 I have worked in bars, colleges, universities, churches, motels, insurance, and now at Steelcase. It was the turn of the millennium when working at the University of Arkansas that I was diagnosed with depression. It’s not like one day I was feeling under the weather and decided to go for mental health screening. No, I’d felt off-center for years. I finally felt that it was time to see somebody and do something about it. Then I began my long line of medications and counselors.

About 30 months ago, fifteen-some years after my original diagnosis, I was hospitalized. That first Master’s degree? It’s a Counselor Education degree focusing on College Student Development with classwork in crisis counseling. This is what I knew because of my training. First—I wanted to hurt myself; for me that’s a euphemism for “I wanted to commit suicide.” Second—As soon as I shared this, I knew my counselor would ask me a bunch of questions to “evaluate” my suicide plan. She would check the lethality of my plan, my access to execute the plan, and the possibility of being saved.

The third one is interesting. Was I going to try to overdose in the house where people come and go all day? If so, there would have been a very good chance that I would be found, a very good chance I wanted to be found. Highly survivable. That’s really a good sign for a counselor. As for me, my possibility of being found/saved was so remote she asked me to never share it.

So, my lethality as B-, my access was A-, but my lethality/would I be found in time to be saved was A+ with extra credit meaning I had no intention of being found alive. With that knowledge, knowing I was a danger to myself, the only question she had was would she have me committed with my cooperation or not. I cooperated. Like I said, I knew enough, but it was a struggle to actually say “let’s do it.”

I spent ten days in the hospital. I was in individual and group counseling. I spent most of my down time reading my bible and accidentally became the Chaplain on my ward. It was bizarre, it was surreal. It was also where I got my new, improved diagnosis, Type II Bi-Polar Disorder with Anxiety. When I saw my counselor for the first time after getting out, she asked me what I thought about the diagnosis and I told her, “I like it! It’s not that I’m glad to have this disorder, but it explains so much!” The chaos of my life finally fit into a description, a diagnosis. That was comforting.

I’ve given you this much history to give you this. A friend in Wyoming (the Grand Rapids suburb) who also suffers from Bi-Polar disorder introduced me to Disability Advocates of Kent County through LaughFest. I auditioned and performed at the St. Patrick’s Day LaughFest event, which is how I met Maddie Schaab. The other day she posted a link to an article on the Disability Advocates Facebook page called "It’s not what you think" about the death by suicide of Soundgarden front man Chris Cornell. After lamenting the accidentally self-inflected deaths of so many grunge era musicians, author Rich Larsen writes:

Chris Cornell died of suicide on May 17, 2017, at the age of 52. He was a dad. He was a philanthropist. He was becoming an elder statesman of rock. He was a grown up. Cornell was aging gracefully, even doing that thing where some guys get better looking as they get older. He got Soundgarden back together, and they made a great new album a couple years ago. His voice still had all the power and strength it had displayed in his youth. Much like the rest of us, the world had kicked his ass a couple times, and he survived.

But now he’s gone, and goddammit, his is the death that bothers me the most. As I’ve been thinking about this, I’m realizing that it’s both a personal and a generational thing. Cornell had a long struggle with depression. As have I. As have many of you.

I want to say this again, Chris Cornell was a grown up. He had his problems. He struggled with depression, as many of us do. He seemed to have his stuff under control. No drink, no drugs. Great show in Detroit. He seemed to have his stuff together… and he hangs himself in a hotel room.

This should be the time in the blog when I mention that I wrote this on Memorial Day. In 2016, the Military Times reported that on the average 20 veterans kill themselves daily, which is twice the national average ("New VA study finds 20 veterans commit suicide each day"). Considering Vets make up 9% of the population, this number is disproportionately large.

Among persons with disabilities I can’t find numbers as easy to understand as exist with veterans in the popular press. Sorry Google, I couldn’t. One scholarly article that evaluated over 100 articles and abstracted another 31 (Understanding suicide and disability through three major disabling conditions: Intellectual disability, spinal cord injury, and multiple sclerosis). Maybe the editor can find me better number and give me one of those little Ed. comments at the end of the blog. The general consensus is that the number is high enough that this deserves study.

In truth, in Truth, what is really important comes from the lyrics of a song by The Rainmakers front man Bob Walkenhorst, “Numbers don’t lie, but numbers don’t bleed.”

Talking about the music of suicide in his life, Rich Larsen lamented the deaths of Andrew Wood of Mother Love Bone, Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain, Kristen Pfaff of Hole, and Shannon Hoon of Blind Melon. Of Alice in Chains’ Layne Staley gruesome overdose he wrote, “The fact that his body was not discovered for more than a week felt somehow fitting. He was emblematic of a generation that just wanted to be left alone.”

As for me, I remember Del Shannon, Keith Emerson of ELP, Bob Welch who was better known for his solo career than his time with Fleetwood Mac, Michael Hutchence from INXS, and Allman Brothers Band drummer Butch Trucks. Following Larsen’s example, citing those whose death was “suicide by lifestyle” there was the trinity, Jimi, Janis, and Jim. John “Bonzo” Bonham, The Who’s rhythm section of Keith Moon and John Entwistle, Lowell George of Little Feat, AC/DC’s Bon Scott, Howie Epstein who played bass for The Heartbreakers, and Phil Lynott of Thin Lizzy. Amy Winehouse! Prince!

On the subject of royalty, did I mention Elvis? Did I mention Michael Jackson? The King of Rock and the King of Pop? Numbers don’t lie, but numbers don’t bleed.

None of these struck me harder than the death by self-inflicted shotgun blast of Megan Walsh before Christmas of 1987. She was my first love, going to school in Wyoming (the state, not the Grand Rapids suburb), and she was coming home to Kansas City for the holidays. After a time of personal angst and alcohol abuse, I finally knew how I felt about her and was going to tell her, consequences be damned. Then I got the call about her death from my sister. Damn, the consequences...

About suicide, her mother said to me, “Don’t you ever do that, Paul. You hear me. Don’t you ever do that.” I told her, “No, Nancy. I won’t.” Twenty years later, as I contemplated my own death, I remembered that conversation and knew how far I had come. I knew her plea. I remembered well her heart wrenching plea and even that could not keep me from wanting to end it. I knew I was rounding a corner there was no way back from.

I also knew I was in so much pain that if anybody had told me “this was a permanent solution to a temporary problem” my reply would have been “yes, permanent.”

That’s what’s so seductive about voluntary death. All those problems, coming like a flood from a burst dam to sweep you to pain, sorrow, despair, and hopelessness… death ends all of that—permanently.

Some would have this be the part of the blog where I tell you not to be seduced, tomorrow is only a day away. Let’s be honest though, with the music in this post, the soundtrack from “Annie” is out of place.

Now that’s what makes this post difficult. You my gentle reader, whether you are suffering or know someone who is, the last thing you want to read is a platitude. We’ve already dealt with “the permanent solution to the temporary problem” and “wait ‘til tomorrow.” You don’t want to read that “everything will be better” because all evidence points to the contrary.

So here’s what I will say. There is help out there. Friends and family usually don’t have all of the resources needed if you have deep depression. If you are contemplating hurting yourself the people who love you will probably hit you with the reflex saying, “Oh no you’re not, you’re just… (insert whatever here).” That doesn’t help anybody.

Name your hurt. Claim your pain. Find what you need. The good people here at Disability Advocates can help point you in the right direction.

To close, this is the last chorus from “Everybody Hurts” from REM’s “Automatic for the People.”

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on

Everybody hurts

You are not alone

Really, you’re not alone. We’re not alone.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline phone number is 1-800-273-8255. There website can be found here.

Playing and Passing it on

Last night I was reminded of a story from my youth. Really there was no good reason to be reminded of this story, but I remembered it with a smile and I have so few of them I felt it was worth sharing.

When I was little and we would go to visit my Grandmother in Mexico, MO. When we got there I would immediately go next door to visit Kenny, the son of the next door neighbor. He was about six or seven years older than me and we would play. We'd play football or tag or just go to the park across the street. He made me my first pair of stilts and watched me bruise my knees and elbows until I finally found my balance. Success was sweet. It was a good time and what was fun was that this was an older guy letting me hang out with him. Good fun.

Eventually he got older. This meant girls and cars and a job and less time for me. I was sad, but I was getting older and I understood. I was kind of sad, but I understood. That was when I met his little cousin Matt.

I was about six or seven years older than Matt and when I would come to town we would play together. We'd play football or tag or just go to the park across the street. More than anything else though, we'd wrassle around a lot. I'd let him crawl all over me, try out new holds and find his balance and his strength. It was a good time and what was fun was that he found an older guy who was letting him hang out. Good fun.

And he became an All-State Wrestler in Missouri.

When we were in our twenties, I was sitting on his grandfather's front porch, Kenny's front porch so long ago, and he told me how much fun it was playing so long ago. He asked why I did it. He asked what he could do to pass it on. I told him about Kenny. I asked him if he did the same thing with a little brother or cousin or neighbor and he said yes, he did. I told him he passed it on without even knowing it. Shoot, I passed it on and didn't know I was passing it on. I was just playing.

So here's the thing. Be in the moment. Play. You may be passing on something you don't even know you're passing on. As for Kenny, was he passing it on or did he start a ball rolling that may still be rolling today? The only answer I have for this is yes, and I'm glad he did.

Christmastime

Last year, I was working at the Motel 6 in Marshall, Texas. Yep, one of the most important roles in the Christmas story and that was me, the Innkeeper.

Allow me to back up for a moment, on the Sunday before Christmas Eve, I told my pastor The Reverend Doctor James Freeman that I would not be in worship because I had to work at the Motel. I added that IF Jesus and Maria came in a Bronco and she was pregnant I would text because it was going down.

Note: No, Jesus and Maria isn't racist. Admittedly, Spanish is the only language where the name of our Lord is commonly used as a proper first name and Maria is a common first name in Spanish speaking countries, but if ascribing these two to be the modern doppelgangers of the parents of the Lord is racist I would ask, "Wait, is being parents of the Lord a bad thing?"

The defense is restless, on with the story.

So that night, some guy (a white guy for those keeping score) came to get a refund for the room and said his girlfriend would be up in ten minutes with the other key. Thirty minutes later, she still wasn't there.

I went to the room to rush her out. Kind of a Motel 6 no-no, but I did it. So she answers the door and what do I see? She's pregnant. She's smoking. There are beer bottles all over the room. I get to tell her not that there is no room at the inn, but her boyfriend checked her out and she has to leave. What a guy.

She begins to cry and load her bag. She starts with her smokes. Gets the rest of the beers. Grabs her phone. The whole time she cries about the friend whose house she was supposed to be going and where is her boyfriend. If I was a betting man, he was in the bathroom. Their car was still outside.

I get the key. I get her out. I see them drive off ten minutes later. Ever want to feel like Scrooge? Kick a pregnant woman out of a motel on Christmas Eve.

Let me say again, corporately I was right. Legally I was right. Morally I was right. Now let me add this, in the parable of the Good Samaritan, the Samaritan left the injured man with enough money for an estimated two month stay and promised to come and pay the extra. The boyfriend took the money back, he didn't pay for the night.

Yeah, I didn't bother to text this story to Jim. Merry Christmas.

Men (and Women) in Albs

Reformation Day has passed, but before it did, I remembered this bit from the movie Men in Black when Tommy Lee Jones as K is talking to Will Smith as James Edwards before he became J:

Edwards: Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.

Kay: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

So how does this apply to Reformation Day? Imagine if you will, as I did, a conversation between Martin Luther as he is putting his Ninety-Nine Theses on the door of the Wittenberg Church door and a fellow cleric...

Cleric: Whatcha doing Martin?

Luther: I've got some problems with our theology, some big problems. You know that. And it's high time everybody knows, not just the bishops.

Cleric: What do you mean Bishops, you're the Father of Lutheranism, you're not Roman Catholic! Your reformation started the whole Lutheran Church thing!

Luther: Stupid! Don't you know anything about church history! I'm Roman Catholic and so are you! So is most of Europe in 1517! Dumbkopf!

Cleric: So what is this about?

Luther: The Church needs to be reformed if...

Cleric: There's that word!

Luther: Yes, and do you know what it means? Reform, change, big change, very big change, maybe even change in italics! It doesn't mean schism, it means change. What comes of it after my death, well, we'll see where it goes from there, but what I want is for the Church Universal to change.

Cleric: What do you mean by Church Universal?

Luther: That's all catholic with a lower case c means, universal. When you read it in the creeds it doesn't mean Roman Catholic or even the Eastern Orthodox, it means the universal church. Do I have to explain everything to you?

Cleric: Looks that way...

Luther: What's causing you problems here?

Cleric: Well, here it says you want us to stop selling plenary indulgences. Why would we ever do that?

Luther: Insert eye roll here! With these indulgences we sell, with cash money we sell the holiness of good people to bad people so that they can get into heaven, right.

Cleric: Sure, that's the only way my Uncle Stugotz will even sniff heaven!

Luther: That's what I mean! You can't sell holiness! Where is that even found in scripture?

Cleric: Er, in the book of...

Luther: Yeah, don't bother. It's not found in scripture. We soil ourselves to believe this is even possible and for what, a few coins in the treasury?

Cleric: Hey, don't knock it. Giving is down. We gotta do something to put butts in the pews. We gotta get giving up Martin. The Sistine Chapel Ceiling didn't paint itself. Pope needs cash to do the work of the church.

Luther: How is another fresco going to serve the poor and the widowed and the travelers and the...

Cleric: Well Pope Trump is going to build a wall across the Rubicon so...

Luther: There is so much wrong with that statement I'm not even going to try to correct you. The point is the work of the church is not nice things. The work of the church is outside the walls, not inside the walls.

Cleric: So why put this stuff up on the door? You want the biships and doctors of the church to discuss this stuff right?

Luther: Surely yes I do. But I've been neglected in small groups. Maybe posting this on All Saints Day when we all come to Wittenberg will cause us to act.

Cleric: If you mean your trial, excommunication, and death sentence, then yes, your call to action will be met.

Luther: Yes, I suspect you're right. And do you know why, because a person is smart. We're having a decent conversation, except for your lapses in church history and that "Pope Trump" crack. A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, superstitious animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody thought Jesus was a poser and a Jewish heretic. Five hundred years ago the bow was the latest in war technology, and fifteen minutes ago, you thought money could take holiness from the treasury of merit to help your Uncle Stugotz. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.

Well, that isn't what happened, but as Kurt Vonnegut once said during a Palm Sunday sermon, you can always count on a crowd to look at the wrong end of a miracle. A person is smart. Two people can have a conversation, we can have coffee and a streusel. We can discuss and if we can keep a calm head we can discuss the matters of the day.

If our day and time has shown us one thing for sure, if it's the church or politics, and let us remember a secular government is an American invention, people are dumb, panicky, superstitious animals. And you know it.

Pastor Paul's September 20 Newsletter Article

Pastor Paul's Letter to the Church at Weatherford

So, what do you hope? The Cowboys can keep it up with fourth-quarter-pull-it-out victories? Both Dallas and Oklahoma State pulled that off last weekend. Both are either at or above .500 for the season! Maybe you hope Ohio State will quit scoring on Oklahoma, finally, as the Sooners fall out of the Top 25. (Sure, they’re only #26, but still, it’s out of the glory.)

Maybe you hope this semester, only a few weeks old will let you take a breath soon. I saw a sign the other day that said “ONLY 35 MORE DAYS UNTIL FALL BREAK.” Wow, now there’s hoping. Classes haven’t been in session 35 days and somebody’s counting the days until fall break.

As Christians, our hope is in Jesus Christ. That’s it. As Paul wrote to the church at Thessalonica, “We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 1:3)

We remember and we are remembered. Our work is prompted by love and love is returned. We endure by our hope in Christ. If our hope is in being friendly, or charismatic, or family or anything other than in our Lord Jesus Christ, we fail. Our only hope is in Christ, everything else is loss. That other stuff, that is because our hope is in Christ!

So remember, “May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.” (2 Thessalonians 2:16)

See you in Church, Paul

Pastor Paul's September 13 Newsletter Article

Here's my article for the Federated Flash, the newsletter of The Federated Church in Weatherford, Oklahoma!

Paul’s Letter to the Church at Weatherford

Reading the announcements in last Sunday’s bulletin, you saw this…

Monday, September 19
6:00 pm Preliminary Budget Meeting—If you have anything for the 2017 Budget, please get it to Pastor Paul, Bruce Magill, or Suzy Maness by Sunday September 18.

First off, don’t let the image put you off, it’s true, budget work is God’s work, Christ’s work, the work of the church. I would tell people I loved statistics because it took numbers and translated them into English. “Yes, based on all of this gobbled-gook there is a 20% chance of rain.” That’s just statistics and weather and the percent chance your picnic will be rained out. (We’ll leave the statistics on how trustworthy the meteorologist is for another day.)

Budgets are just how we translate how we do the work of the church into dollars and cents. How much did it cost to heat and cool the church building and parsonage last year and how much do we estimate it will cost this year? How much do we send to the three denominations so they can do their work? How much money do we send to missions? Do we tithe? How much does it actually cost to have a pastor? Is there more than salary? What does it cost to run Positive Pathways? How much does Ronda make? Do we even pay Ronda? (The answer to that one is “not this year,” she volunteers and puts money into the program.) What do we get from… well, what do we get?

These are all good questions, and deserve good answers, so here’s the Board’s tentative time frame:

Monday, September 19—Pastor Paul, Treasurer Bruce Magill, and Board Chair Suzy Maness will review the budget from 2016 with an eye to 2017. If you have any suggestions of things you want to do in 2017, let’s say a yoga class in the Fellowship Hall, a Music Program in the Sanctuary, or a Bible Study, put something in writing and share it with one or all of us! This is a closed meeting, we’re going over numbers and not making any hard decisions.

Monday, October 3—Board Meeting This is the meeting where the Board will review the budget. All Committee Chairs are board members so they have voice and vote. Make sure your suggestions are in so considerations can be made! If you have a suggestion that falls outside of the normal structure, find an advocate on the board, it’s the best way!

Sunday in late October or early November to be decided: The board has not decided on what day the budget will be presented.  

Sunday November 20—Consecration Sunday That’s the day we put ourselves in the offering. That’s the day we pledge to offer what we have of our time, talent, and treasure to make this ministry plan happen. Because the budget is a ministry plan the way an accountant sees it.

So like the statue says, Church budgets are Christ’s work too. We must treat them like they are the work of God to do the work of the Church to spread the Good News of Jesus Christ, because if it’s not, we’re just a Sunday Social Club and there are better ways to spend a Sunday morning if that’s all we are. But I say we’re more than a social club, we’re the Body of Christ, so…

See you in Church, Paul

I'm Beginning to See My Problem with Colin Kaepernick

I think I've begun to figure out what bothers me about Kaepernick's protest and especially the followers...

When I got out of school in 1985 I couldn't find a job in my field, Reganomics decimated hiring in Higher Ed. Does any of this have to do with my "winning personality?" Maybe, but five years later, after throwing drunks out of bars for a few years I found an entry level job. Thank you David Shellberg and Lamar Community College.

I worked eight and a half years in Lamar and three more at the University of Arkansas, ten years of that was spent working with low income students and students who would be the first in their family to earn a Bachelor's Degree. Statistically speaking, people who qualify for these programs are more likely to be people of color, but don't believe for a minute that there aren't a lot of white children who fulfill those qualifications too.

So here's the deal. These programs, and the nearly 2,800 like them are a part of the United States

Click here for the Department of Education TRIO Homepage

Department of Education's TRIO programs. These programs include Talent Search, Upward Bound, Veteran's Upward Bound, the Talent Search Math Science Initiative and a few others. They help students whose families are less likely to get their kids into higher ed into Higher Ed and on toward graduation and even graduate school.

These program's are a part of President Johnson's War on Poverty. That's right, that "Redneck Som-Bit from Texas" Johnson, the President who made sure the Civil Right's Act didn't die with Kennedy on a Sunny day in Dallas worked to make sure kids who never considered higher education not only considered it, but had the support and the tools to succeed.

These problems have existed for hundreds of years in America. So why in the world are we paying so much attention to this guy? I'm sorry, he's a Johnny come lately to the party with the assets, the charisma, and the authority to do more than just whine. I've done more for race in America after someone called one of my regular customers who was black "The N-Word" in the bar I managed than he did and that took fifteen minutes.

I have sat in rooms full of people who could do more with what he makes in a single game sitting on the bench to further justice in America than he has ever dreamed. I've done more working ten years in higher education working with students and working to secure the jobs of the people delivered services to these students.

People aren't actually talking about race or society or justice, they're talking about Colin Kaepernick. He's more of a distraction. Colin Kaepernick doesn't need to keynote a discussion on race, he needs to go to a regional or national TRIO convention and see what people are doing to move toward a just society. He doesn't need to talk, he needs to listen, he needs to pay attention, and he needs to get involved and maybe put some of that money where his mouth is.

By the way, these are federally funded programs, you know, the federal government, That thing he protests by taking a knee. And I thought taking a knee was how a football player gives up on a play. All hat, no cattle. All protest, no action. Sorry Colin, spend ten years as an Upward Bound counselor helping kids get into college, which you seemingly took for granted, then you might have a better idea what the problem is.

Then you can go to your gated community and your swimming pool and tell the world how bad life is for people of color.

Pastor Paul's September 6 Newsletter Article

Here's my September 6 article for the Federated Flash, with lots of clipart!

Pastor Paul’s Letter to the Church at Weatherford

So, what in the world is Rally Day? It’s the Sunday School equivalent of “Back to School Night.” It’s a chance to meet new teachers, get into new classes, and find out what’s going on with Christian Education at The Federated Church. That’s really pretty easy, isn’t it? No big secrets. Nothing mystical. No big to-do’s.

What makes this Rally Day special is the many offerings this year. The Seeker’s Class will be studying “Grace” by Max Lucado. A new class for adults will be doing a video study in the Library. Of course there will be youth classes, and for the first time in years we have a confirmation class! Yes, this is a thrilling time at Federated!

This Rally Day will also feature Ashlyn Dillon presenting information about her Mission Trip to Africa during worship. She will be bringing a multimedia presentation so come ready to see and hear about the work the Lord is doing there.

Finally, that evening at 5:30, we will have a Potluck Supper! Bring your favorite covered dish or try something new and see how we like it. And please bring some school supplies for the school teachers here at Federated. It is estimated teachers spend over $500.00 per year out of pocket annually out of pocket for their classrooms. Let’s help make a dent in that. Then we’ll see what we can do about having the Cowboy’s game playing here so nobody has to worry about that either.

The weather forecast right now looks sunny and mild, so let’s get together Sunday and have a bang up time! This week’s gospel reading will be the Parable of the Lost Sheep (Luke 15:1-10). Don’t make me come looking for you…

See you in Church, Paul

Pastor Paul's August 30 Newsletter Article

Here's my article for the August 30 Federated Flash

Pastor Paul’s Letter to the Church at Weatherford

I must have discovered the music of Jim Croce the day he died; but when I did, it was with a vengeance. One of my favorites is from his last album, released a little more than two months after his death. The song is called “Recently” and warns about having a long memory. The bridge and last verse go like this:

'Cause mem'ries can be friends
Or they can take you to a place
The you never thought you'd be again
And take you to a place
That you never ever thought
That you would see again

Doesn't matter now who was wrong
The future is tomorrow 'cause the past is gone
And I'm findin' that I'm not as strong
As I thought that I used to be
'Cause recently it seems
I've been lettin' your mem'ry get to me

Remembering the future is nice, but when our memories get to us, it hurts our ability to live in the present. The Church (Capital “C” Church) is getting itself into trouble, it’s letting its mem’ries get the better of it. The Church, like so much of America, likes to remember “The Good Ol’ Days.” Those days when everything was better and we were on top and things were the way “they were supposed to be.” There are two problems with this though. The first is that nostalgia is always better than the real thing. The second is like the first, were the good times really that good?

As for the church, these were the days when women couldn’t hold congregational or denominational leadership roles. These were the days when children were herded and not seen, wait, that’s seen and not heard. If you weren’t wearing a suit or a dress, you were seated in the back. If your skin was the “wrong” color, you wouldn’t be seated at all.

Those days are gone, thanks be to God! So here’s our problem, when we mourn the past, we leave no room for the future. When we let our memories get to us, we choke the ability to live in the present. Neither of these will do.

Matthew’s gospel teaches Jesus saying, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (Matthew 6:25-27)

I’m not saying “don’t worry, be happy,” I’m saying there’s work to do in the Kingdom of God and we are called to do it. If we sing laments about the past all day long it won’t be long before that’s all we know. Share those memories, remember the Saints fondly, but if we do not train the next generation of Saints up then we will leave a church that is dedicated to the dead when it should be pointing to the Living God. So ask a question! Take someone under your wing! There is no such thing as a stupid question, only answers that give glory to God… or not… and remember, today’s youth are going to be leaders before we know it.

See you in Worship, Paul

Pastor Paul's August 16 Newsletter Article

Pastor Paul’s Letter to the Church at Weatherford

You didn’t know this, but I’ve been known to abuse ink. In fact, every pastor is an ink junkie. Have you ever seen an empty bookshelf in the Pastor’s Study? Haven’t there always been more books at the parsonage? Yes, we’re all hooked on the fresh smell of ink and paper. The younger ones among us hide it better with eBooks, but they still go to the Library or a bookstore occasionally just to get that “smell of ink” fix.

Right now I’m getting some books I’ve been lacking for a while. There are some prayer books I’ve missed out on that I picked up. I also got the books for the Confirmation Class, even though I do hate that half of the copies are on back order. I even received the books for the Advent Study I’ll be teaching when the temperature makes us long for the days we’re cursing now... at 40% off thank you very much!

Currently I’m reading “Peaceful Neighbor, Discovering the Countercultural Mister Rogers” by Michael G. Long. His basic premise is that just because “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” was targeted at 3 and 4-year old’s, doesn’t mean it’s as deep as a puddle. The show’s pace is slow. The tone is soothing. But that may be all that’s benign in the neighborhood.

Fred Rogers’ is a Presbyterian Minister and it informed everything he did. One of his professors at Western Theological Seminary (Now Pittsburgh Theological Seminary) was Dr. William Orr. Orr taught him the most basic tenet of the faith that “Jesus reveals the character of God. Not altogether unconventional in his theology, Rogers believed Jesus is the second person in the Holy Trinity, the one who reveals the innermost character of God the creator. But far from conventional, Rogers also held that God, as revealed by Jesus, affirms exactly what the advocate embodies (and the accuser rejects); that every human is good, valuable and lovable.” (page 30)

I must admit, this is not at the core of most theological understandings of sin. Luther and Calvin emphasized the sin of humanity. Reinhold Niebuhr emphasized the sin of the society and structures humans develop. But while saying every human is good, valuable, and lovable, Rogers isn’t saying people misbehave, people act badly, even cruelly.

Instead he often said, “There’s a good guy and a bad guy in all of us.” One of his songs went like this, “the very same people who are good sometimes / are the very same people who are bad sometimes.”

Jesus teaches us to inherit eternal life we must, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind; and, Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Luke 10:27) Mr. Rogers wants us to take that a step further. He knows that not only do we treat one another badly sometimes; we treat ourselves badly too. He wants us to love our neighbor as we love God. God already loves us no matter what.

Let’s face it, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood never seemed very realistic to adults. This is probably one reason why. Nobody loves anybody like they love God… but wouldn’t it be nice to live in that neighborhood? There’s one place to start…

See you in church, Paul

Pastor Paul's Letter to the Church at Weatherford, August 9th

Here is my newsletter article from August 9th, I pray you find it enlightening and amusing.

Pastor Paul’s Letter to the Church at Weatherford

Have you ever been told you had a bad idea? I mean a really bad idea, the kind of idea that, in the words of George Carlin, will “rot your mind, curve your spine, and lose the war for the allies?” I say “Fear not!” Admittedly I can’t offer this with the promises of Christ, but I offer it as a follower of Christ.

Recently I have disliked my Facebook feed because of the political content, but this picture has made it worthwhile. I don’t know where it originated. Several fellow pastors posted it. And it is worthy.

Don’t you agree? If “Sharknado” isn’t a dumb idea, then nothing is.

We have to remember this, not every suggestion is right for every time and place. If a bride and groom were to sit down with me and ask when it’s appropriate to send in the clowns I would consider that improper for a worship service. For a Spring Festival, that would be different. Clowns would make better sense… unless you believe there is no good time for clowns in which case… yada, yada, yada.

Some ask why we are sending out cards to people on the prayer list. It’s because a member of the congregation asked why we aren’t doing something like sending cards to people on the prayer list. “We pray for them, let’s let them know they are in our prayers and on our hearts.” I said “let’s do it!” So we are.

So, is there something on your heart? It could well be the Holy Spirit gnawing at you to get something started in the congregation or the community. Come to me, come to a board member and remember, there are no dumb ideas, there are only Sharknadoes waiting to happen.

See you in church, Pastor Paul

Pastor Paul's Newsletter Article for August 1

The name I have given my newsletter article may seem a little cutesy, or maybe offensive, but then again, that is one of the lessons that can be taken from this newsletter article. The fact that what is "evangelistic" to some or "cute" to me is offensive to others. Either way, may the words of my mouth and the meditations of our hearts be acceptable to you, O Lord, our rock and our redeemer. Amen

Paul’s Letter to the Church at Weatherford...

Dear Friends in Christ,

Have you ever seen something that you thought was in such bad taste, so offensive that you want to shake your head and run? If not, check out this artwork from a revival held here in Weatherford a month or so ago. There was song. There were talks. There was even a raffle where they gave away a new hunting rifle with scope, yes a “Rifle Raffle.”

I have nothing against hunting but I’m not a hunter. I love venison sausage! I have a friend who makes a good venison chili. This is a hunter who uses every bit of the animals he harvests. The animals he takes give their lives for the man’s family and the families of the people who receives gifts of meat and hide.

The opposite of this is the man who buys a ticket to a far off land, buys the services of a Sherpa or safari leader, and is taken where animals gather to create the illusion of a hunt. You’ve seen the pictures, uber rich guys over a leopard or some such animal. Even worse are places like bird farms that lure birds for “hunters” to shoot. These birds are often funneled into small areas to make it even easier for hunters.

One takes life to sustain life, the other hunts for the power and vanity of taking a life. And that’s the difference, isn’t it? Christ came and gave his life to sustain life. The gospels tell us, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:45)

Still, there’s something about the visual of the “Cross in the Cross-Hairs” that makes me uncomfortable.

Yet, the image of Christ giving his life, voluntarily upon the cross, is the image we have. Christ gave his life not so we can survive, but so we can thrive living in relationship with God and with one another. That image should be disturbing too, but we’re used to it. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to “Rifle Raffle.”

God bless, see you in church--Paul

IS THIS ANY WAY TO LIVE?

It seems this is the way we live according to the RNC, living in FEAR! Is this anyway to live? You'd think inflation was 17.8%, unemployment was approaching 25%, the Gross Domestic Product was shrinking, and the crime you read about in Batman was what was happening. Is this any way to live?

For one, we don't live like this. We don't. Life isn't perfect, not by a stretch, but if all we do is watch the new on TV (and it doesn't matter what your brand is) you're going to be scared to death. It's how they keep you coming back for more. Between the 24-Hour news cycle, the pundits who feed it, and the politicians who fuel it up, keeping us living in fear keeps them in power and wealth. Do you think they'll give any of that up easily? No.

Unplug. Read The Atlantic Monthly, read The Economist. Read stuff with tables and without pictures. Get a magazine that doesn't have articles about Kardashians in it. If we don't, we'll end up living in a world Lenny warns about...

Conditioned to hate and them to blame
Their search for God is just the same
Machines for hearts, how warped a view
Forgetting that they're human too
Waiting like a branded steer
Who first will launch the burning spear
When every day may be your last
You think we'd learn from our past

I living in fear, I living in fear
I can't tell you no lies
I living in fear, I living in fear
Ouh yeah yeah yeah yeah

People say history repeats itself. The joke that comes from that is that's not true, historians repeat each other. Actually, the quote is "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

In this case, it's true, historians do repeat each other... because history has repeated.

Is this any way to live? No, it's not. Beware

Pastor Paul's Federated Flash Newsletter Article

I've been thinking of violence, shooting, U2, Don Henley, Greg Abbot, Exodus, Deuteronomy, and Jesus lately. Yes, my mind is a messy, messy place. God bless my dear friends. Here's this week's newsletter article for the Federated Flash.

Dear Friends in Christ,

There are so many days lately when I want to hang my head and cry. On Sunday at about 11:00 I prayed for First Responders. I prayed “for police and military. For those who stand in harm’s way and say ‘not on my watch.’” I said this not knowing that a half hour earlier, just as I asked us to remember our baptism, police in Baton Rouge were being met with a hail of bullets. How many times must we pray for victims of violence? Pray for police who are victims of people who deem the police their enemies? Pray for civilians who are victims of police run amok?

Friends, most of the people in our society are good law abiding people, police and civilians alike. Nearly all really. But the people on the fringe are getting the attention for the evil they wrought. My father was a photographer for the newspaper in Columbia, Missouri when I was born, even in the early Sixty’s it was true, “If it bleeds, it leads.” People love dirty laundry, especially other people’s.

Where it must start for us is the beginning. Texas governor Greg Abbot said last week that we need to revere the police. I say nay, nay. The first Commandment says clearly, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me.” To revere anything else, especially anything else is idolatry. To revere anybody or anything, to treat them like a god is to indulge them like a god and invite them becoming gods in their own eyes. Gods whose own importance is placed above all things.

Instead, let us pray one of the oldest prayers of humanity. Called the Schema, it goes like this, “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.” Schema is the Hebrew word for “hear.” What follows this at Deuteronomy 6:5 is “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” If we do this, we cannot go wrong. Jesus has even told us there is no law against this.

This is the beginning. This is where we must start.

See you in Church, Paul

Pastor Paul's July 12 Federated Flash Article

Dear Friends in Christ,

Chris Baker is a student at Garrett Evangelical Seminary in Louisville. He wrote this for his Facebook page and it is currently making the rounds on the interwebs. I haven’t found anyone who has said this in such a sound theological manner so instead of trying, I will use his words. To clarify, derailment is the act of using a counterargument or counter assertion to derail a conversation from the original point:

I saw yet another ‪#‎AllLivesMatter‬ derailment this morning, and it made me want to scream. Or, rather, it made me want to scream this: 

‬‬
When, in the Beatitudes, Jesus says, "Blessed are the poor," you don't shout "Everyone's blessed!" When Jesus says "Blessed are the hungry," you don't shout "Everyone's blessed!" When Jesus says, "Blessed are those who mourn," you don't shout "Everyone's blessed!" You don't, I hope, because you understand that Jesus declares these people blessed precisely because they never have been. Their society never blessed them. The proverbial powers that be never blessed them. Their neighbors never blessed them. No one blessed them. No one considered them blessed, worthy of blessing. Their lives, in other words, never mattered.

I hope, too, that you understand what happens next in the Gospel of Luke. The blessings are followed by curses. Woe to the rich, who have enriched themselves at the expense of the poor. Woe to the full, who have engorged themselves at the expense of the hungry. Woe to those who are laughing now, in the face of the grief and misery of others. Jesus has flipped the script. Out is in. In is out. Down is up. Up is down. And ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ precisely because they haven't, and in your derailment they still don't. Biblically and theologically speaking, that's some dangerous ground you're occupying.

Now for what he doesn’t say, all lives don’t matter. He’s saying that according to the Gospel of Luke, the powerless will be blessed and those who benefit at the expense of those who are oppressed, woe unto them. Ready for the big curse, if that includes some police, if that includes some politicians, if that includes some corporations (who are “persons” under the law) then so be it. Woe unto them.

I hate to bring up the Jackson 5 here, but this is the problem of “one bad apple.” Sometimes all it takes is one person to cause a broad brush to be used. It’s one of the greatest horrors, but it’s true. Pastors understand this too. With sexual abuse, financial abuse, and other abuses of power I can be suspect.

In the Beatitudes, Jesus blesses those who have never been blessed. Those who have blessed themselves, well, woe unto them. I thank God for the Messiah who has blessed us so that we may be a blessing.

I am not here to curse woes unto people who have done well. The nation of Israel was blessed to be a blessing. Through Jesus of Nazareth, the Messiah, the Christ, we have been grafted into that vine. We have been blessed, but if we are not a blessing then Christ will ask what we have done with our blessing. This is a question worth asking. This is what our society needs to ask.

Oh, and maybe when the people who have not been blessed are, that will be a blessing to all people.

See you in Church, Paul

We pray for police, military, and all others who voluntarily put themselves in harm’s way in service to others.

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

John 15:13

Remembering Our Baptism-Pastor Paul's July 5 Newsletter

Dear Friends in Christ,

Not the first time this picture has appeared

on this blog!

I’m guessing you have wondered why I spend so much time talking about the waters of our baptism. You’d have a point. I do spend a lot of time in the water. With the permission of the Worship Committee I have moved the font front and center. Looking down the aisle you see the font then the table then the cross as you enter the sanctuary. I want the kids to splash in the water, whether they have been baptized or not. Especially the ones who have yet to be baptized.

This is the stole I wear every Sunday in Ordinary Time. Those are the weeks between Baptism of the Lord Sunday and Transfiguration Sunday and between Trinity Sunday and Christ the King Sunday. It bears symbols of the two sacraments. On the left is the font symbolizing baptism and on the right is a chalice symbolizing the supper. It was a gift that I was asked to design. I asked for this design so that most of the year I would be able to wear the symbols of the sacramental gifts Jesus gave us.

One of the great joys of serving The Federated Church is weekly celebration of The Lord’s Supper. The congregations I previously served did not, one was downright hostile to celebrating it more than monthly. I think it is important to celebrate this meal often. I’m glad you do too. But what about our baptism?

Baptism is a once in a lifetime event. I have told you I was about four or five months old when I was baptized. I have no means to remember it. In Presbyterian circles this is fine. I like what it says too. It reminds us that God chooses us before we choose God. I like that. I like the UCC and Disciples believer’s baptism too. It says I know what I’m doing. I make this decision. That’s glorious too.

Either way, remembering our baptism is important. This is why I pour the pitcher into the font weekly. This is why we are reminded of the event whether it has happened or is yet to happen. So let us remember the waters of our baptism. Let’s remember what it is like to live wet. Let’s remember what it is like to live a little sloppy. Let’s remember what it is like to bathe in the waters Jesus bathed in before we receive the meal he gave us.

See you in Church!
Pastor Paul

Public Faith and Tim Tebow

I have never posted anything about Tim Tebow as a collegiate, professional, or post-professional human being. Today I felt it was about time because of what I read from the Orlando Sentinel on msn.com.
The article titled "Tebow Hate Reaches New Low" deals with his recent plane trip from Atlanta to Phoenix where he comforted a woman and her friend with prayer as her husband laid dying from a heart attack on a Delta flight. Really that's the whole story. All you need to add it the heroic action of the Delta flight crew as they tried to resuscitate the man. Add too Tebow taking the woman and her friend in the car waiting for him to the hospital and waiting until the doctor gave her the bad news.

The author of the Sentinel article, Dan Whitley, said he was reading the comments about how Tim Tebow had reacted and what he had done. They were about 60% positive and about 40% negative. The 40% were telling the world (via the Interwebs) how Tim Tebow imposed himself upon a situation and put himself in the way of a heroic rescue by a Delta flight crew causing readers to become physically ill, a condition the author calls "Tebow Derangement Syndrome."

Well, no, he didn't get in the way. If he had the flight crew or a Federal Marshall would have put him back in his seat. Second, the woman could have sent "Ol' Time Religion Timmy" back to his seat if she were so inclined, she did not. Finally, if Tim Tebow was a media whore, he would be exploiting this, not me.

I think what Dan Whitley says about commenters says it quite well:

If all that makes you want to throw up, it says a lot more about you than it does Tim Tebow.

.Public faith is a dicey thing, for believers and non-believers alike. For the devout of either ilk it really doesn't matter though. Non-believers are just fine being the 40% trolling articles saying prayer is worthless, the man died anyway. What the non-believers don't know is the comfort Mr. Tebow brought to the widow. Nor the help he gave putting his faith into action by taking care of the luggage and taking the woman and her friend to the hospital.

His quiet departure also speaks volumes. He didn't even offer up the good old,"Hey, this is a difficult time, give them a little space and I've got a try-out with the Cardinals (or whatever he was doing in Phoenix--I have no idea what he was doing in Arizona)."

Never been a real fan, but never been a real detractor either. Heisman Trophy winners just never seem to translate into the pros, so, oh well. My opinion of this, he had the faith and the confidence in his faith to do something and the resources to do a little more than that. Isn't that what we want professional athletes to do? Isn't that what we want men to do?

Pastor Paul's June 28 Newsletter

Dear Friends in Christ,

On Sunday, I consecrated the new pitcher that is used to put water into the font on Sunday mornings. During the Children’s Sermon I taught them what consecrated means. The Oxford Dictionary defines consecrated this way: make or declare (something, typically a church) sacred; dedicate formally to a religious or divine purpose.

By now you know that I love words. But as a word lover I know that often words become jargon. The last thing I want to do is load worship with jargon to the point that I’m glorified instead of our Lord Jesus. Oh my, look at the pastor using those wonderful words again… That can be said with dripping sarcasm or not, neither way brings glory to God.

Yes, we sanctified that pitcher. It was made holy. All that means is the pitcher was set aside for water for the font. It won’t ever be used for iced tea, or whatever its previous use, ever again. That’s all. So much for $5.00 words.

In fact, through God in Christ, in the waters of our baptism, we have all been made for a holy purpose, to be the people of God. We have been called to be a blessing to the people of Weatherford, Oklahoma, America, and the world. We can only do this through the Spirit who strengthens us.

In worship we recharge those batteries. We remember our baptism, the water we shared with Jesus. We are fed by Jesus at the table he set for all believers. We are nourished by his word heard and shared. Let’s worship God together this Sunday!

In Christ, Paul

Federated Flash, June 21

The newsletter of the Federated Church is the Federated Flash and it is published every Tuesday. This is my first newsletter article, though my last blog entry could have been a wonderful first entry.

After I finished seminary, Marie and I went to visit my parents in Mexico, MO, a small town between Paris and Columbia. While we were there we went to visit my grandmother’s cleaning lady. Now my grandmother passed about ten years prior making her cleaning lady, Miss Fannie Lucas, near about 100 years old. She welcomed us into her home, sat us down and asked, “Now Paul, do I have to call you Reverend Andresen?” I looked at her with a shy smile and said, “Now Miss Fannie, if I asked you to call me anything but Paul you know my grandmother would leave her grave to have a word with me!”

I have been asked several times, “How do you want to be addressed?” It’s a great question, Miss Lucas knew me all my life, but we hardly know each other. As for parents, I’ll leave this up to you for your children, but I think “Pastor Paul” is fine. As for the rest of us, please call me Paul.

I don’t say this to be informal, I say this because it was the name I was called at my baptism. Since it is good enough for God in the waters, it’s good enough for me. Having worked at the University of Arkansas I like to think calling me by some honorary is like putting a tuxedo on a pig. It doesn’t seem right on the pig and ruins the tux.

Our baptismal identity is very important. We celebrate two sacraments, baptism and the Lord’s Supper. The first identifies us with Christians everywhere and with Christ himself. The other feeds, nourishes the body of Christ, taking the meal remembering Jesus until he comes again.

So please, call me Paul.

Founding Fathers and Trust in "The People"

Folks talk about "what the Founding Fathers intended." Fortunately we have a lot of writings to figure out what they intended, but I'm going to use just a couple of pieces out of the constitution to make a point here.

First, the Founding Fathers did not trust an ultimate authority. That's why there were States' Rights. That's why there were elections. That's why there were terms if not term limits. Schoolhouse Rock said it well with "No More Kings!"

Second, they didn't trust the masses either. The best proof of this is found in the Electoral College and Senate Election by the state legislatures. Yes, we have direct election of the Senate now, but individual vote is still not trusted enough to elect our President. Yet, in the beginning, the Founding Fathers didn't trust "the people" enough to elect the most powerful representatives of "the people."

Third, on firearms, the text reads, "A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

Let's do what nobody does, take this in order: "A well regulated militia being necessary for the security of a free state."

The constitution mentions the word military twice and militia six times. In short, the President is Commander in Chief and the Legislature makes sure the training and resources are in place for the military. Militia belong to the states and can be called up by the Federal Government. If the trained military isn't enough for the security of the free state, the militia can be called up to serve.

Well, in the beginning, the federal government had barely enough to assemble and arm an Army. Even as late as the Civil War a man could buy his way out of being drafted and the cash strapped army welcomed funds over the man in many cases.

The militia was necessary to supplement the Federal Army. They needed to be armed and trained so they needed to keep their weapons. Not to mention that on the new American frontier a gun was as much a tool as an ax or hammer.

To close that third point, we have gotten away from this original intention of the amendment. Don't worry though, nobody's going to take your gun. Anyway you can defend your gun with your gun! Don't sweat that.

Still, something the Founding Fathers did not imagine is a musket evolving into a weapon that can shoot multiple rounds per second. It would take thirty seconds to load a musket rifle. You didn't have to worry much about standing to reload though because of a musket's legendary inaccuracy. How accurate do you have to be with a spray pattern?

So, the Paul Andresen Plan- the purchase of firearms comes with a commission into the national guard. Make it happen during the background check. This way, even the purchaser of an AR-15 gets training! Now that's win-win! That is... if the Founding Fathers would trust them.