Law & Order, PC(USA) Unit

I trust you'll find this more enjoyable if you play the doink-doink noise before reading...

...of course I could be wrong.

Leslie Scanlon, Presbyterian Outlook Magazine National Reporter, reports that the Presbytery of the Redwoods has refused to follow through on the General Assembly Permanent Judicial Commission's finding that the Rev. Janie Spahr be rebuked after the Commission found that she had violated the denomination’s constitution by performing 16 same-gender weddings in 2008.

During that time, same gender marriages were legal in California, but were and are still not within the wedding policy of the denomination. The full article to is found at this link.

As Denver's own Mike Rosen would ask, I will tell you where I sit before I tell you where I stand...

Let's begin with my rather murky take on "same-sex" unions. I believe that in America, as a civil right, people (two human adults) ought to have the opportunity to form a legal union. I believe the civil benefits of family should pertain to heterosexual as well as homosexual couples. This is where I leave my self open, not only to those who think the sexuality of the parties to be at issue, but to those who disagree with the individual nouns I used: two, human, adults.

Some would consider my "two" qualifier too restrictive and "adults" to be unnecessarily binding. As for human, some might say your dog or my cat should have legal standing similar to my wife. Not me. So guess what, this is my blog and "two human adults" is my opinion. If you don't like it get your own blog.

Now, here's where I muddle the waters. In my study, I have found the scriptural witness of marriage to be between man and woman. Granted, not always just one, but still... Granted, the definition of "adult" in the ancient of days does not reflect our view of the age of majority, but still... It's man and woman. I can't get past that.

Here's the other side of that coin: I believe God can bless a union between two same-sex people. I believe a sovereign God will do as a sovereign God will do. This being within the giving loving character of God. God's love which is without limit, overflowing, and self-emptying.

On a final note, while I am muddling through how I might deal with this if called upon (Not a wedding, but a sort of union? What does that mean anyway? Holy? Civil? Still not a wedding. You can see I don't have that answer...), the congregation I serve is not. The official policy of First Presbyterian-Marshall is in line with the PC(USA) Directory for Worship as it is currently written. No homosexual weddings. Period, end of sentence. So speaking for the Session, don't ask to use the building.

Having said that...

I believe the Presbytery of the Redwoods has erred in not exercising the legal authoritative judgement of the Permanent Judicial Council. You don't have to like the rule. Shoot, Redwoods has always supported Rev. Spahr. Yet as a member of the covenant, all Presbyteries are expected to carry out the judgement of the Permanent Judicial Council. Sorry.

On a side note, I could see Rev. Spahr accepting this "rebuke" as a badge of honor. In one way or another, she has told the world that stood up for the gospel, and she stood up for the couples. I believe if you are going to wade neck deep into the hardest churning waters of Presbyterian Polity you shouldn't cross the river if you can't swim the tide. I believe Rev. Spahr is capable in these waters.

Yet, there is one other response Scanlan noted in her article. To quote:

Mary Holder Naegeli, an evangelical minister from California and executive director of the Presbyterian Coalition, described the vote in a blog post as “a new low in Presbyterian life.” Naegeli wrote, “I cannot recall in nearly 25 years as an ordained minister ever witnessing open defiance” of a direct church court order. She added, “this is a presbytery gone rogue.”

I agree with Rev. Naegeli that Redwoods Presbytery has acted in "open defiance of a direct church court order." But here's the rub. In our current national political climate, we need to beware of the phrase "going rogue." A phrase that is seen as a politically conservative badge of honor against the powers that be is in this case being used as a theologically liberal badge of shame against the powers that be.

It may be right to say in our current vernacular, "Going Rogue" is a good thing when it stands up for what we believe and a bad thing when it goes against whet we believe. Maybe the remaining similarity between being "good rogue" and "bad rogue" is that Governor Palin and the Presbytery of the Redwoods both see themselves as "good rogue." To both, being a rogue as a complement.

Go ahead, do the doink-doink thing again if you want...

Bobby Petrino--YOU'RE OUTTA THERE

Bear with me, I'm going to take you on a long, convoluted explanation about why University of Arkansas Head Football Coach Bobby Petrino was fired.

The cover up.

Kind of a big build up for nothing, wasn't it.  Check this out...

• Bobby Petrino wasn't fired for having an affair. If people got fired for having an affair the unemployment rate would go through the roof.
• Yahoo! reports Coach Petrino gave his mistress $20,000. It is also reported that this was a gift from his personal accounts, not the University nor the Razorback Foundation which supports and funds Arkansas Athletics. So he wasn't fired for this either.
• Coach Petrino did not get fired for making a false report to the police because technically he did not make a report. As for lying to the police in general, well, that's "an error of omission, not commission."
• He wasn't fired for hiring his mistress. The violations of employment law was enough to get him fired, but it wasn't why.
• He wasn't fired for misuse of state employees. The local newspaper reported Coach Petrino contacted his personal game day security day man after the accident to get him to the hospital and keep things on the down-low. This man is an Arkansas State Trooper. This too could have gotten him fired, but it wasn't why.

What Bobby Petrino was fired for was lying about all of this to Arkansas Athletic Director Jeff Long. I believe all of this could have been swept under the inappropriate rugs if it were not for the lies. 

What Coach Petrino was despicable, I'm sure his wife would agree. But it's nothing a state university, athletic department, or team couldn't live with. And while I find that sentence despicable, I also believe it's true especially in the football crazy SEC.

In the end, it was lying to Jeff Long that made Bobby Petrino's stay at Arkansas untenable. If it weren't for the cover up, it could have all gone away.

The moral of our story is, as usual, those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Look at Watergate, Iran-Contra, Whitewater, and any one of a million other political scandals since time began. It's not the crime that gets you, in the end it's the cover up.

At least that's my opinion. Here's Jeff Long's...

Another Bar Story, This One with Extra Grace!

One of the truest reasons men work in bars is to meet women. That may seem shallow and it may seem short-sighted, but that's what makes it true!

One night when I was managing Buzzard Beach in Westport, Kansas City, Missouri, USA, one of my doormen came up to me after the bar closed. I was sitting on the back bar with my legs crossed much like a modern day Buddha. He started to apologize. He was sincere but he was also waiting judgement so he might have been a little on edge.

You see, he had begun seeing a waitress from a bar and restaurant across the street so after her shift ended, she would come over and see Scott. She was a cutie too, curly blonde hair, great legs and a so-on that was before its time.

Something you probably don't know but need to for this story is that Buzzard Beach was a saloon, a tavern-we had beer, cocktails, and popcorn. To work in a tavern you had to be 21. Well, she worked in a restaurant that served drinks. You only had to be 18 to work there. Thus my doorman's dilemma, he met her at our bar, but it wasn't until after a couple of weeks that he discovers she isn't 21.

Let me add that minors in a tavern could get you closed and the person who serves a minor could loose their liquor card-a license that allows a bartender to dispense. So you see, as Ricky Ricardo would say, he "had some 'splaining to do."

He walked up and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't know she wasn't 21. As soon as I found out I took care of it. She won't be back until she is 21. This won't happen again."

Well, let's just say that I took the high road on this one. I said, "First, I accept your apology. Second, you did find out she wasn't 21, and that's big. Third, as soon as you did find out you fixed it. Fourth, I believe you, this won't happen again. Fifth" and at this point I addressed the assembled staff; the three bartenders, three doormen, and bar back who were also working and asked, "fifth, guys, how many of us met a girl here at the Buzzard and didn't discover until later that she wasn't 21?" Everyone of us raised his hand. The guys who had been there ten years, the owner's brother, and even me, everyone of us raised our hands.

I ended my lesson for the day saying, "Finally, you're in good company." Grace over hypocrisy is a winner every time, and we always carded his paramours in the future.

Grace Presbytery Ratifies Amendment 10-A

PRESBYTERIAN POLITY FOLLOWS!  Actually there is more than that, but you probably figured it our with the blog title's spoiler.

Today Grace Presbytery voted on the overtures from the 219th General Assembly. The hot button topic was Amendment 10-A. (The full text of the amendment can be found on pages1-2 on this link ) Many say this is the amendment about allowing the ordination of sexually active gays and lesbians. It is more accurate to say this amendment allows for the nomination to ordained office for gays and lesbians.

Some would say this is just parsing the amendment, but I believe the distinction is important. Even if selected by a nominating committee, it is always up to the congregation to elect--led by the wisdom of the Holy Spirit--who will lead them as Decons, Elders, and Ministers of the Word and Sacrament.

The Amendment was ratified with an unofficial vote count of 243-149.  (All vote counts on the Presbyterian amendments are unofficial, all the Stated Clerk will report is a Yea or Nay vote, so technically there is no "official" vote count to report.)

I believe what I said about this topic two years ago (found at this link) is still important, but it is not what I think needed to be heard, and it was not what I needed to say.  I was just four speakers away from the microphone when the vote was called, but I didn't hear what I was about to say from any other speaker, so I want to share it with you here and now.

Madam Moderator and my friends of Grace, I am the Reverend Paul Andresen, Minister of Word and Sacrament from First, Marshall and I speak in favor of the amendment. 

The Reverend Doctor David Johnson recently asked a group of friends "Why do you stay in the Presbyterian Church?"  I took this question very seriously.  Finally after considering theology and worship and polity and a number of other things, it was ultimately revealed that the Church of Christ which meets as the PC (USA) is my home an you are my family. 

This was expressed better in the book of Ruth as Naomi sends away her widowed daughter-in-law, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God."

I do not know how the vote will be cast today, but this I do know.  We are family, even when we argue we are the children of God.  We are better together than we are apart and I pray you will not send me away. 

Madam Moderator, thank you.

This does not mean that Presbyterian Churches [PC(USA) that is] can ordain gays and lesbians starting tomorrow.  There are more presbyteries to vote.  Then even if it passes, I don't see challenges going away quickly. It's a divisive issue which will continue dividing the House of God.  Still let us pray for unity, let us pray for peace, and above all, let us pray for Grace.

Dallas Needs Strippers!

ESPN Reports that Dallas strip clubs need an estimated 10,000 more strippers for this weekend.  With 60 licensed clubs in the Metroplex, according to the article, each will employ an average of 160 more dancers this weekend.

Well, it cold be worse...


By the way, no, this isn't my proudest moment, but sometimes you just gotta share.

Come to Think of It, That Does Look Familiar

When I was in seminary in Austin, Texas, we would often go out to eat at a Pizza Place by campus. Since the seminary was just north of the UT campus, everything was definitely Longhorn centered. Then Marie pointed to an image on a flag in the restaurant, this one...

Then she looked at me and said, "Look honey, the UT Medical School must have a Women's Health Unit, there's their logo." I was puzzled. She continued, "Honey, look! It's a uterus and fallopian tubes!"

You know... come to think of it... I guess we spent way too much time seeing fertility doctors.

And now, for a sideways view of the obvious...

There has been recent debate about whether gay actors can portray straight characters or not.

Uh, hasn't this been the case in theater since the Greeks used masks? Hasn't it been this way since Shakespeare? Wasn't Rock Hudson the epitome of the Lady's Man?

Kids, let's untwist our knickers and go to the movies.

Tiger Woods Nike Commercial With Earl Woods

Well, so be it, here's my take on this Tiger & Earl Woods ad for Nike.

First, let's remember that Tiger is the most reclusive athlete in North America. His yacht is called "Privacy." Hermits think it's nice when they see him out and about. You get the idea, this guy's all about golf, and now we discover, women.

BTW, the first mistress doesn't get to complain about the other mistresses being "the other woman." Just sayin'...

Now, the voice over, courtesy of Earl Woods, Tiger's father, asks the musical question, "I want to find out what your thinking was, I want to find out what your feelings are, and did you learn anything."

Why did Nike and Tiger put this out? If there is one thing we can say for sure about Tiger it is that he will never answer these questions, not in public, probably not in private, and probably not in the deep corners of his mind. It's his nature.

Further, no answer he gives will satisfy our quest for remorse or repentance. That's the world's nature.

So... congrats Tiger, you have done the one thing that can make matters worse, you and Nike asked a question only you can answer, but we know you won't. In the meantime, since Lefty is too big to say so, Phil Mickelson says "thanks."

Hold That Tiger!

If you have been under a rock, you may not know that the best golfer in the world, one Eldric Tiger Woods, has been part of a scandal due to his alleged infidelity.

Whoopie Goldberg, host of "The View" and moderator of their Roundtable segment, has said that she will not comment on the Tiger scandal because it "does not put food on her table."

Whoopie, I must disagree. You host a chat show, one that deals with celebrity, moderating the segment that is loaded with scandal and inuendo. Whoopie, I'm sorry but it does put food on your table. If there's another reason you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but please own the fact that you do get paid to talk about this stuff. If you don't want to talk about Tiger's stuff, please find a better reason.

More Love Songs Without Love

This one was huge when I was in college. It is still popular on Adult Contemporary stations today. And I am so sorry...



What was weird was hearing my mother-in-law sing along to this on the radio. The Twilight Zone had nothing on that moment.

Rupert Holmes said that he wanted to imagine the meeting of two lovers who, while seeking someone new, find each other after placing personal ads. Yeah, that's love.

This is my favorite of the comments on this video from youtube:

and the bar fight that ensued after he called her a whore for taking out a personal ad for some side ***k...

To me, the only question is who takes the first swing, the "whore" who took out the first ad or the "side ***k" who answered it.

Feeling Uneasy in my Mid-40's

All right, I didn't see this until the CMT Music Awards youtube feed on some cable news website last week. This upload is five months old, so this is nothing new to those of you who watch CMT's Crossroads program. But this is my first look, so let me rant and reminisce.

I remember when "Pour Some Sugar on Me" came out 20-some years ago. The stories of Def Leppard's debauchery were legendary. These guys put on a show on the stage and under the stage there was an entirely different version of the show...if you know what I mean.

So now, 20 years later, a girl who could have been conceived to this tune sings it on stage with the band. According to the article I read, her parents were DL fans and she was born in December 1989, so my conception suspicion may not be so far fetched.

The devil and angel on my shoulders are screaming, "Oh what these boys would have done to a tiny 19-year old in a mini dress and boots back in the day" countered with the grain that screams "Oh my God, I could have a daughter her age now, I would never let my little girl come to a Def Leppard show, and she's on stage with them."

I think every 18 year old boy knows half of what I mean and every 40 year old man knows exactly what I mean.

Damn, I'm just getting older and I'm not that old. Again I say, we mock what we are to become.

The Wilkinson Sword--Ick!

The US version of this ad is not quite so flagrant in its visuals. When I saw the US version the first time, it began to dawn on me that the way the bushes are trimmed are way that... well, you know.

The difference between the UK and US versions is the "topiary in progress."

But if you want to see something truly different, check out the expanded version of this ad:



"Tulips on the mound." Yeah... I guess.

An Example of How My Father Was Right

In my last blog, I talked about my Dad and Family Systems Theory. Let me just point out that even though I thought his decision about not sharing all of his family was not good for the family, he wasn't always wrong. He told all of us to wear underwear.

Embedded video from CNN Video

So this girl gets her yearbook and discovers that she is on display for all to see. The School says it's not her euphemism, it's a shadow. Her mother says the school should recall and republish the yearbook. The girl says that she didn't wear panties to school that day because she didn't want panty lines.

Forget about asking why she was allowed to leave the house without panties! It's the obvious question, but I think there is one better. Shouldn't we be asking someone why a high school junior is wearing something to school that causes her to worry about panty lines?

High school sure has changed since I graduated almost 30 years ago.

Nostalgia and Sadness

In Clarksville, Arkansas, there was a flea market. It was right off of the highway and I remember it well...

Just before starting seminary, my Committee on Preparation for Ministry liason wanted to finally meet my wife. We arranged to meet in Clarksville since it was close to halfway between Fayetteville (where we lived) and North Little Rock (where he lived). We decided to meet in the flea market parking lot and find a restaurant once we got to town.

The place was huge, there was a ton of stuff. Marie even found a couple of Nancy Drew books to take send to her younger neice in Michigan. The chain link fence separating the store from the interstate was used by the local high school kids to put up messages with styrofoam cups in the mesh of the fence.

As I said there was a flea market. All that remains of the flea market is the faded sign that points down the road by a gas station on the main street. It's almost hidden in the mess of signs on that corner.

Now it's Clarksville's biggest Porn Emporium. Nostalgia and sadness--and no, we didn't go in this time.

The 110th Meeting of the Arkansas Presbytery

The Presbytery of Arkansas met yesterday in Clarksville. This was the meeting where our Presbytery voted on the overtures from the 218th General Assembly. The hot button topic was Amendment B. Many say this is the amendment about allowing the ordination of sexually active gays and lesbians. It is more accurate to say this amendment allows for the nomination to ordained office for gays and lesbians.

Some would say this is just parsing the amendment, but I believe the distinction is important. Even if selected by a nominating committee, it is always up to the congregation to elect--led by the wisdom of the Holy Spirit--who will lead them as Decons, Elders, and Ministers of the Word and Sacrament.

This is what I said on the floor of Presbytery yesterday aout this motion:

Madam Moderator, Paul Andresen, Minister of Word and Sacrament, First, Berryville, speaking in favor of the amendment.

From the Pulpit of the Riverside Church, William Sloane Coffin said "we still have the intellectual problem of how to incorporate the latest thinking into the old faith." Quoting Harry Emerson Fosdik he continued, "how to believe in abiding stars and changing astronomies." He also said "The purity of dogma is second to the integrity of love. Creeds are the sign posts, but love is the hitching post."

I believe the Lord our God is sovereign. God never acts out of character; the character that so loves the world that he gave his only son so that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life. (John 3:16, NRSV)

The same love on which hand all the law and the prophets. (Matthew 22:37-40)

By the love of God, I cannot vote to deny a class of Christians the opportunity to be nominated to serve in ordained ministry.

If we believe God will call whom God will call to the good ends of the kingdom-including ordained ministry-then this exclusion is contrary to God's loving sovereignty.

Given one minute for remarks, this is where I ran out of time. Though I did have more to say.

As it has long been, it is up to our congregations, Sessions, nominating committees, committees on Preparation for Ministry, and Pastor Nominating committees to discern God's will for those called to ordained ministry.

This should be based solely on the call of God on the life of the candidate and the calling body.

Paul's letter to Timothy tells us that Elders should be judged by how well they manage their households--for if we cnnot manage our households, how can we manage the church? (1Timothy 3:5)

This is true regardless of the household.

Madam Moderator, thank you.

This motion was supported by the Youth Advisory Delegates 19-8 and by the Presbytery 116-64. There was no show of joy or rage with the passage of the amendment. People who were overjoyed kept it to themselves, those who outraged did too.

As for me, I was shocked that it passed, and even more shocked by the margin. My amazment has nothing to do with the conservative vs. liberal tendencies of the Presbytery. It has to do with prior votes on this same issue over the past fifteen years. The Arkansas Presbytery has consistently voted against such amendments, so passing at a 9 to 5 margin was a shock.

The most important thing that was said was from the Reverend Jeff Parker, First Rogers, who quoted the Book of Ruth telling the assembly, "Regardless of the outcome 'Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God.'"

The problem with any "adverserial" form of polity is that there are winners and there are losers. This is the sorrow if not the shame of the system. Still, we are all people of the Lord, the Triune God.

As of yesterday, the amendment must be affirmed by 72 more Presbyteries to pass. Regardless of the outcome, where the church goes I will go because the Presbyterian Church (USA) is a part of the body of Christ. This is what matters.

It's Always a-Little-Somethin-Something

Marie found a blog on FanHouse about a company denied the opportunity to put a print ad in the Super Bowl program. It was an ad for a website called AshleyMadison.com. Their pitch was a scantilly dressed woman hovering aluringly over a football with the tag line "WHO Are You Doing After the Game?"

As far as I can tell, this is not a hoax. The company's web site says that since 2001 they have set up halves of married cuples for a-little-somethin-somethin on the side. Their slogan says it all, "Life Is Short, Have an Affair."

They even have a guarantee! This comes from their website:

Under the AshleyMadison.com Affair Guarantee Program, (the "Affair Guarantee Program" or the "Program") if you don't find someone within the initial 3 months after purchasing the "Affair Guarantee" Membership Package, we'll refund you $249, being the amount you paid for participating in the Program (the "Refund").

First of all, this is not a promotion for the services of AshleyMadison.com. If you're thinking of having an affair, tell your spouse. When your partner asks for a divorce, you'll be able to beat the rush and find that someone new.

Second, and here's the genious, buying an ad in the Super Bowl Program gets your "product" into say, 100,000 programs, many of which won't be cracked open because collectors want unblemished spines. What's the use of buying the ad space with that kind of exposure.

But by applying and getting rejected, the company now has all the free publicity it wants. People are talking about it, yes even little old me. That's genious.

Don't Mess with Rambo

At one of the bars I managed, there was a bartender whose girlfriend was nicknamed "Rambo," and she liked the nickname. When they faught, she was definitely Rambo to his wannabe VC.

One day, she was particularly angry with him. While he was at work, the took his clothes from the closet, used scissors to cut out the crotch out of every pair of pants, piled it all onto the middle of their bed, and set the whole thing on fire.

When the Fire Department came and put it out, the bartender looked at them and asked, "Have you ever seen anything like this before?"

They just nodded because they had.

Man, I love my wife!

As heard on the Jim Rome radio program...

Times like this I am glad I live in America. This news comes form the Belfast Telegraph, written by Gary Fennelly.

A Swedish ice hockey game has been delayed several times after the ice became littered with sex toys.

Fans of the AIK hockey team in Stockholm brought items to the arena on Tuesday for a game against the visiting Leksand.

The start of match was delayed to allow staff to clear the ice of inappropriate items.
Fans held up profane banners and a giant inflatable penis in an attempt to unsettle Leksand defender Jan Huokko.

Earlier this year explicit video of Huokko (34) and his girlfriend having sex made it to the Internet after his mobile phone was stolen.

Two things are important to remember here:

1. While videos of personal sex-capades should always be personal, there is something to be said about them not being made in the first place, and
2. I'm glad to be an American where (usually) the strangest thing thrown on the ice is an octopus, and that only in Detroit.

Ick! You can decide for yourself which is ickier. As for me, I pick the former over the latter.

Sex Sells, as if you didn't all ready know that

A few weeks ago, I was at the orthopedic surgeon's office for my broken finger (getting better, thank you very much). He asked me if I had any questions for him, and I said, "Yeah, how come all drug rep's look like call girls?"

I got the reaction I expected, everyone laughed. The doctor laughed, the patient services coordinator laughed, my wife laughed. He told me I had a point and recommended I just enjoy the eye candy.

Based on my personal observation, this is true. I've never seen a drug company rep that couldn't take first runner-up in the Miss Home-Wrecker Pageant. (I wish that was original, but it's a Dan Jenkins line.) Dressed to the nine's, heels higher than Haight-Ashbury, curves tighter than the autobahn; you know a drug rep when you see one come into the doctor's office.

But, I suspect as with any job where looks seem to be everything (if these reps were chemistry or pre-med majors they didn't go to my college ), I suspect a hierarchy. I suspect the larger the sales area and the better the drug's profit margin, the hotter the representative. I also suspect this correlation is directly proportional, smaller towns, cheaper drugs, the less sexually alluring representatives.

You may think me sarcastic, you may think me sexist or at least "appearance oriented," and you may well be. But before you judge me, I ask you to consider this hypothesis the next time you see a drug rep at the doctor's office, especially an OB-GYN sales rep.