on the death of Robin Williams

Here's a conversation I've had lately with many people:

Others: Paul, you've lost so much weight, how are you doing it?

Me: Poverty, mental illness, and exercise. Sure, two out of three aren't that good but I have lost over 180 pounds.

As regular readers of this blog know, I suffer from Type II Bi-Polar Disorder. In short, when not properly medicated, I suffer from strong depression with times when I become obsessively focused on matters or engage in risky behaviors. For me, risky behaviors have taken the shape of alcohol abuse (that ended in my early 30's more than 20 years ago) or using humor in situations that is not proper.

That came to a head last November when I considered living out a line from the Supertramp song Goodbye Stranger, "Feel no sorrow, feel no shame, come tomorrow feel no pain." Suicide has that going for it--the end of today's pain.

I can't say I understand what made Mr. Williams do what he did. This I do understand, when there is too much pain, suicide seems like the only way out.

It must have made some sense to Megan when she did it. It must have made sense to Sandy when she did it. It sure made sense to Carlos when he disconnected his feeding tube--dying that way rather than from AIDS in 1988. A permanent solution to a temporary situation? Well, not to Carlos, not in 1988. But in the middle of that situation, after years of being in the middle of that situation, it makes a certain sense.

As for the number of comics who have gone before Robin Williams--Chris Farley, John Belushi, Lenny Bruce, Socrates--all lived on that razor's edge and died tragically. All were incredibly smart and used an incredible sense of humor to overcome what they thought were their own personal deficiencies.

As for me, I'm just glad I've got good medications for the Bi-Polar disorder and the dog to get exercise. As for poverty, well, that's a story for another day and the lives of Williams, Farley, Belushi and the rest show that fame and wealth don't equate to happiness and mental health. But that's another post.

Ending this, I loved Robin Williams. My favorite memory of him was on the Dennis Miller Show on HBO when Miller was still funny. Miller's monologue was great that night then Williams came out.  That's when the whole show came off the rails. Robin Williams was outrageously funny. He finally asked Miller if he wanted to ask more questions and Miller said something to the effect that there was no way he was going to stop what was happening. It was the fourth episode and it was magic. Pure magic.

I'll miss the humor. I'll miss the wit. I'll miss the brilliance of the connections he made to create and weave a tapestry of wonder and love with humor. I knew it masked pain. I knew it from his life. I knew it from his biography. I knew it from his addictions. I knew it from my life. But still, the wonder is now gone, but it's not lost.

Via con Dios.

It's been a while, and here's why...

The other day I posted this little gem on my facebook page:

I hereby declare that Blueberry Syrup shall henceforth be known as "Mrs. Buttersmurf."

I know, it's a silly little thing to say, but it crossed my mind on Sunday morning and I thought it was worth sharing with the world.  As for me, I think I think the bottle would be a hoot.

On of my friends posted this on my page:

I was just thinking yesterday I was missing some Paul Andresen humor. Thanks for the infusion.

My response was that things stopped being funny a while ago. Life its ownself has gotten pretty tough. It has seemed that over the past few years most everything has been tough and whenever anything has looked up, Marie and I would get knocked down twice as hard.

If you are thinking that my blogs and other correspondence have reflected this, please know there is significant self editing. I am trying not to live so that the rest of the world sings this song to me:

I simply pray never to hear those fateful words "If you just want to cry to somebody, don't cry to me."

But things are beginning to look up. I'm interviewing for a part time job, there's a church that has some interest, my Motel 6 management training should restart soon, and we're moving this weekend. Thanks to all of the folks who are helping too.

Marie even got the notice of her judgement, her Social Security disability has been approved. Of course, that day we got a parking ticket... for parking in a handicapped parking space without a permit. Like the Morton Salt girl says, when it rains...

All in all, I could use a little more humor too.

Jesus Wept, Lazarus Laughed, Megan Died, and as for me...

This Sunday's lectionary reading was the raising of Lazarus from the dead. This passage has many wonderful pieces and images, but the most famous is found in the King James Bible at John 11:35. You know it too, "Jesus wept."

Pastor Kemper Huber at St. Andrew Presbyterian Church in Longview, Texas preached a wonderful sermon using the Eugene O'Neill play "Lazarus Laughed". The link provides a synopsis of the show, but here are some highlights from the sermon:

• Lazarus returned
• People asked what it was like to have died
• Lazarus laughed
• He told them death was like life, but fuller, more bountiful
• He continued to laugh.

That became the hallmark of the show, Lazarus laughed in the face of all danger. He had died, what could scare him next? Nothing! In the face of overwhelming odds, in the face of certain death; there was nothing to worry about anymore. This caught on in the household of Lazarus and all throughout Bethany. "Death, where is thy sting?" Yeah, it's all gone.

This wouldn't do for the Roman Prelate. When death and fear of death are your weapons and suddenly there is no more fear of death, your biggest weapon is gone. Lazarus was sent to Rome to go before Caesar.Caesar threatened to have Lazarus killed. You can guess what happened next. Caesar burned Lazarus at the stake. You know what happened the whole time. The show ends with the "most important man in the world" bested by a laughing Jew.

Jesus wept, Lazarus laughed.

Kemper tied the theme of the show, Lazarus laughing at death with Jesus telling the world "Fear not." Christ conquered death. Lazarus shows us in John 11 and Eugene O'Niell shows us in the dramatized version of what happened next. In all of these situations, death is powerless. Christ saves us from mundane death. It's gone, hallelujah!

There was one problem with this. I have a the problem with the sermon, and a problem with the show. It's not a problem with Kemper's theology or even with the play, it's a problem with sin.

There is (at least in some circles) fate worse than death. There are times in the life of some people when "it" (whatever "it" may be) becomes so overwhelming that these people see the sweet release of death preferable to the cold hard existence of life. The people who say "Life's a bitch and then you die," yeah, those people.

Some people decide to get off the train early. The ones who get off before the final stop commit suicide. Death, the bountiful life after this painful life is so very seductive.

Jesus wept, Lazarus laughed, Megan died.

Those of you who have followed this blog know who Megan is. If you don't this link tells more about her and about a much younger me. I remember wondering how horrible Megan felt that she would take her own life. I gave thanks that I never felt that way and prayed I never would. Then six months ago, my world fell apart and I had an idea of how bad she felt. I did not want to feel like I felt another day, another minute, another moment. I knew this was a permanent solution. For those who would add "to a temporary problem," I would invite you to "enjoy the freefall" and tell me it doesn't seem like an idea worth considering.

This is the suicide issue when it comes to the "bountiful life" of death, it's seductive. The pain of life, pain which is too much to carry, is gone. All that's left is new life. Laughter. Yes, Jesus weeps, but Lazarus laughs. It's not healthy. It's not right. It's pretty bad for everyone left behind... but that guilt trip isn't your problem.

While considering all of this another Bible story came to mind, Job. Job's wife, after witnessing the calamity of their life together, suffering the same losses except for the physical boils, finally said "Curse God and die." She told him to commit suicide by use of the Lord. But Job was faithful.

Job's wife chose the sweet release of death for her husband. Job chose a  life to a faithful God despite the horrors of the moment.

Jesus wept, Lazarus laughed, Megan died, and as for me...

As for me, I've gotten a better medical diagnosis. I'm working hard to stay healthy. I'm eating better, exercising and working. I see a counselor and I see a Psychiatrist. I do the medical therapy and I do the talk therapy. I have good days and bad days. I have more good days and my bad days aren't anywhere as bad as they were even six months ago.

Life is far from perfect, but it is better than it was a year ago, far better. Getting better is a process, getting well is a dream, maybe even a pipe dream. Better is a goal. And I do all of this praising my savior who makes it all possible.

Jesus wept, Lazarus laughed, Megan died, and as for me... I am a better man than I was before I knew all of these things. Praise God!

I Do Not Think That Means What They Think That Means...

I know that Egg Whites are a healthy alternative. McDonalds has an egg white option and so does Subway. But you know...

I just don't think this is what they meant when they were talking about egg whites being a healthy alternative. Just sayin'...

Reflections on Ash Wednesday

Last night, the Interim Pastor at St. Andrew Presbyterian Church asked if I would assist with the imposition of ashes at the Ash Wednesday service. It wasn't the first time. For the past ten years I have made the sign of the cross with palm ash and said "From ashes you came and to ashes you will return." Not very cheery, but coming straight out of Genesis 3:19, where the Lord teaches Adam and Eve the fallout of the fall, it's at least the truth. But this year, the interim pastor asked me to add something I never said before.

This year, as before imposing the ashes, I said "You are a child of God." The amazing power of these words are two fold. First is their utter truth. There is nothing false in these words. From Adam and Eve to the newest of all newborns, we are all children of God. This is the plain and simple truth. Second is how rarely this is said. How would our live improve if we looked at people we had disagreements with and said, "You are a child of God?" Imagine cable news if at commercial these words were exchanged between pundits? Imagine fights between parents or parents and children if we began with saying "You are a child of God."

Then remember, Adam and Eve were shut out of the garden. Discipline happens. Yet as discipline happens it happens with love and without scorn or anger or abuse. It comes measured and with love. Yes, from ashes we came and to ashes we will return, but in between--and in every moment that we are more than just the elements in an Organic Chemistry experiment--we are children of God.

Pastor Kemper Huber at St. Andrew spoke on mortality and preparation, and it made me think. It made me think on the ones I know who have left before me. Some left in old age. Some left in tragic accidents. Some left in disease before their time. Others left on their own accord. It was those I spent the most time thinking about that evening because of my thoughts on joining their ranks several months ago.

This is where I am, glad that I am so much better. I thank God for a wonderful wife, good counseling, great medicine, and the loving Lord whose child I am. Yes, I am mortal, but I'm in no rush. There is much to do on this side of the dirt. One day I will return to ash--but on every day before that and on every day after I am a child of God.

Thank the Lord.

Editing

Welcome to our bedroom...

You mean this is what he looks at when
he could be petting me? I don't get it.

One of the things Marie has done for as long as I have been preaching is reading the sermons. She makes sure my grammar and syntax are good. She makes sure the prose flows. And she makes sure I don't say anything stupid. Thanks be to God for that last one.

The other day she was looking over a sermon and went to get something and when she did, O'Neill, the cat whose curiosity will one day introduce him to doom, was found like this. Marie had her phone and the results speak for themselves, what a great shot!

I think this would be perfect for a caption contest... you can see mine.  Marie thinks he was editing along with her, and gave it three paws up. Add your comment and be sure to share with your friends. No prizes unless you think a good laugh is a prize.

The Relaunch of "Rock and Roll Devotional"

I am happy, overjoyed to announce the relaunch of Rock and Roll Devotional.

It's a blog I started about five or so years ago. Over the years I have had at it in fits and starts. To date, I have about 250 posts written, so I need only about another 115 more to complete the year. Over the past week or so I have actually written four new posts to debut over the year. Some will make an appearance soon, one will debut Christmas Eve!

Another important addition is that this is the first time I will update the blog since my new diagnosis. It will be a chance to compare how I wrote before my new diagnosis and now. You may not notice the difference because you may not remember the older posts... as for me, well I'll see the old and the new; and it excites me.

So, I hope you take the time to check it out. The updates are scheduled to come online at 12:30 Central Time daily. If you like it, take the time to make a note. If you don't take the time to make a note, because that's the only way I can make it better.

If you like it, please click your favorite share button on the social media site of your choice.

God bless y'all, and enjoy!